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Why are all the birds dyin? seahawks, falcons, ravens, eagles 
Why do your friends always wait until you breakup with someone to tell you that they thought they were ugly?
Just once I'd love to attend a funeral where people are being honest and keeping it real about the deceased asking questions like, "Who here is going to pay me the money he owed me?"
I bet sex is great when I'm not the only one in the room.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
"I wish Ted would just tell his poor kids how he met they're mother!!!"
Sometimes people who joke around the most have the least to laugh about.
When I'm ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring far longer than usual.
Might be time for some therapy when the only thing holding you back from being a drug dealer is the fact that you're "not a people person".
If I say something profoundly insulting and you think it's about you, might be time to reevaluate who you really are.
Where have you been my whole life? And could you please go back there?
I'm not surprised Kristen Stewart couldn't act faithful. She can't act happy, sad, frightened, mad, shocked or aroused either.
''If all Men are created equal, where's the rest of your Pen!s?!!!
Wetting the bed is embarrassing enough as it is. I could do without the laughs from these jerks at Mattress Warehouse
Yeah you nailed the audition but some other chick nailed the director so better luck next time.
I hate when I take a day off from the gym and it becomes lifestyle
Haven't slept on my desk at work for the past two weeks, I can feel a promotion coming my way.
What Meatloaf wouldn't do for love, I'd probably do for a Klondike bar.
If i'm ever convicted of murder it will be because I had to say"excuse me" to many times while pushing a basket in Wal Mart.
I'm not just hungry...I'm Oprah hungry..... 