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Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks 
Sadly, the Coronavirus has better coverage than T-Mobile.
Hormel Foods made their first batch of spam in 1937 With all the food hoarding going on they are about to make their 2nd batch
Shout out to all my homebodies.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the sh*t is placed.
If you're always concern about the opinion people have about you. You'll never be happy.
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
According to this captcha page I am a robot -- what a way to find out. Who knew?
I've been sober for like 40 days. Not in a row, just 40 days total...
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
If your kid is almost old enough for social media, Make sure you have the "We need the talk" thingy soon. You know advising him about the usage of your/you're and there/their/they're.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
They should make supermarket camouflage so people you know won't see you and want to talk to you.
Yesterday I bought a pack of two pillow cases but when I opened it there was only one. What a sham! 