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the next thing Casey Anthony googles better be "Self Defense" 
I'm smart my lightbulb just flickers sometimes.
Zoo tip: Real Tigers often do not follow the rules of "Eenie meenie miney moe"
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation....
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up sh*t in my backyard just realized that I don’t own a dog .
there a pack of wild dogs attacking my child, or are there peas touching his mashed potatoes? I can't tell.
The Dr. who had examined my wife when she was rushed to the Emergency Room, pulled me aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' I said 'Me neither doc,' ......'But she's a great cook and good with the kids.'
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective
So do you think in the future we will see marijuana commercials on TV? It might bring back the slogan "This bud's for you".
Who's up for some curling in my driveway?
I hate it when I get out to the driveway and realize I left my Smart Car in my other pants.
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it's been since you've had a date?
Well,,, According to WebMD, this burning is NOT an Eternal Flame.
I used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I think I should have chosen my words more carefully.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don't get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
You can tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I wonder if the lady that takes your drivers license picture at the DMV takes selfies when no one is watching...
Forget the universe, think of how insignificant you are on Facebook. 