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I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors 
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
They just left Jeffrey Toobin hanging there.
*Comes home with seven 5 lb bags of Halloween candy. Husband: Didn’t you see the email? There’s no trick or treating in the neighborhood this year. Me: I saw it.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Sh$t” and a one and a two
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
$1400.00 per child? Hold up Maury, I just might be the father after all.
I slept like a log last night. ... Woke up in the fireplace!
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Just want to say a quick prayer to United's Public Relations teams. RIP.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
Those who speak charismatically does not mean they speak the truth.
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
My wife accused me of being immature, I told her to get out of my fort
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
Looking into the mirror...I realize, I'm in no shape to fend off an alien invasion
y doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.
Not to brag, but, I've already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement. 