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KID IN THE 1800s: I will sweep your chimney if it helps feed my family. KID IN THE 2000s: I’m not eating this apple because it is bruised. 
Before you give up in life, remember that the hair in your anus grows despite it's environment. So stay strong and never give up.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn't for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
This joke is 100% vegan, gluten-free, no artificial colors or flavorings, unprocessed, sugar-free - and that's why it sucks.
People who think they can run away from their problems have obviously never farted on a treadmill.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman's mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Watching the media CRASH AND BURN is a joke in itself.
Meanwhile, female Asian voters are upset over a disappointing erection.
Yay ... Now that the election's over it's nice to see some good old fashioned humor here once again. Oh .... wait .... never mind!
In these trying times, I want to find good in this world so here goes,,,,, I am extremely grateful that Cap'n Crunch leaves far more gently than it enters.
At first glance, the word "Diputseromneve" looks confusing and retarded. However, if you read it backwards it's even more stupid.
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
My dad's decided to NOT move to Canada,,, He says he's "Angry",,, but not, "Learn the Metric System" angry..
LITTLE KNOWN FACT: After the umbilical cord has been cut,, a nurse spanks the baby for being uninsured.
I saved $983.54 on Black Friday. I stayed home watched TV and didn't shop.
Any bank can be a sperm bank if you're left alone in the safety deposit box room.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life.
The first rule of Christmas Fight Club is don't buy her anything half a size bigger than she is because clearly you're implying something..
I love you my friends ... and that's not just the beer talking ... its from the bottom of my bottle of wine too. 