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"I'm sorry, am I boring you?" "Yes you are, I appreciate your apology." 
I don't want to know the Daily Recommended Value. I want to know the Daily Maximum Value that I can consume before I get either fat or diabetes.
was always taught, "You become what you eat." So he only eat rich foods. He's still waiting...
yes, sarcasm is one of the services we offer here
wonders if people in France say "Pardon my English" when they swear..
Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"
highly recommended and there's no need for a second opinion.
thinks that by the time we finally figure life out the alzheimers kicks in and we forget it all...
believes that sometimes it's best to not question your friend. Just help them dump the body bag into the river.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
going to make this day interesting by playing with matches and running with scissors out in traffic...
has the key to all of life's questions... but he'll be damned if he can find the lock...
Every hero has that villain to keep them going.
I want an app to mute nearby people.
As far as my liver knows, today's my birthday....
If you need me I'll be at Home Depot telling all the men what they're doing wrong.
Once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Had to get rid of my memory foam mattress. It threatened to start talking....
Imagine arriving in Heaven and finding out guacamole is still extra.
I'm trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue. 