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You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn't fit anymore. 
A lot of people do not realize thats the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
My cat would like you to know that no dragon has ever attacked me whilst sitting on the toilet. And she plans on keeping it that way.
Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said ‘One bus takes 35 cars off the road’ personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is…
When I was a teenager, there was only one phone app. It was called the "dial tone."
If you don't know who George Soros is, or who Saul Alinsky was and what Cloward-Piven means, Do America a favor and either educate yourself or DO NOT Vote.
I wanted a candy bar but instead I did the right thing and ate an apple, with some walnuts and caramel topping.
Saw a woman pushing her dressed up cat in a stroller. When are we going to take mental health seriously in this country?
A leaf blower is specifically designed to make your problem someone else’s.
someone stole my mood ring....and I'm just not sure how I feel about that
Before you get serious with a girl, spend some time around her and her mom. You need to observe the future crazy before moving too fast.
People who say "only God can judge me" don't know how Twitter trolls work.
"Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
I'm already sick of writing this book I'm thinking of writing.
I wish my neighbor's dog would take the hint that my leg just wants to be friends.
Never trust an Avon lady who doesn't wear any makeup. The whole thing is probably a front for her organ-harvesting business.
When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls.
Trying to understand quantum physics. Cause trying to understand women is just too damn hard.
for all those who answer "how's it goin?" with .."can't complain"...please review your FB status's 