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People are busting my balls because I still have a landline. I can't get rid of it though because it matches my abacus.... 
Making all day plans on the weekend always sounds fantastic. Right up until the time my alarm goes off and I remember I hate getting up early on weekends and I don't really like other people.
Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water I won't need a watch.
bit another finger trying to eat way too many french fries at once
streaming Netflix's through a Blackberry tandem modem. Please don't call. The good part is coming up!!
I just skimmed through 50cent tweet page. I can't believe the guy's only been shot nine times.
I just saw a car that had The Club locked onto the steering wheel, a car phone, a beaded seat cushion, and a fuzzy steering wheel cover. The only logical explanation for this is that this car is a time machine.
I'm always hearing stories of people posting "Inappropriate" pics on Facebook....Why are none of YOU showing me nude pics my friends????
You know your life is boring when happy hour is when the kids take a nap.
"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows."
I will always forgive you, I only want you to realize what you have done wrong.
hates walking into nasty smelling bathrooms knowing after you leave the next guy in line always thinks you did it... as you fight the urge to notify him it was like that when you got there
Cooking Tip: Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute
going to climb his neighbours fence, steal his barking dog, put it in my yard and see how he likes to be kept awake all night
I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
concerned your choice in alcoholic beverages is now based on calorie count rather than intoxication efficiency
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content
Am I the only one that thinks Gobbler's Knob sounds like a dirty movie title?
If we live more than 200 miles apart, I will always mark "not attending" on every invite you send me unless I get at least a month's notice. Please keep this in mind when you send out your invites.
Lucky = A man who is a woman's 1st love. Luckier = A woman who is a man's last love. 