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Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks. 
You know your life sucks when the therapist doesn't even return your calls.
How to make a Millennial laugh: Tell them there was a time when you knew your private information was safe in government hands
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather but there are no cows.
Sure I will read Hugh Hefner's obituary. But only for the articles.
I have a coffee table in my house. It's decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me all at once.
my dad calls me BJ because that's all I was ever supposed to be :(
When someone says "Only God can judge me" what they are really saying "I know it's wrong but I still don't care."
I have decided to host the Oscars
The best credit card rewards program is to avoid credit card debt.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.
Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.
Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".
Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn." Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"
If you don't smile and show everyone your teeth when you're eating Oreos then you're probably more mature than me.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.
Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds
Can you put tequila in a humidifier? Just asking for a friend. 