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If you think sleeping with your wife’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes. 
"O.J. , if granted parole where would you live...?" "Well, I'd like to take a stab at Florida......!!"
When I BBQ meat on the grill, I like to marinate in a brine made with tears of a thousand Vegans.
Apparently calling a pair of conjoined twins "hipsters" is not cool.
A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
You know your life sucks when the therapist doesn't even return your calls.
How to make a Millennial laugh: Tell them there was a time when you knew your private information was safe in government hands
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather but there are no cows.
Sure I will read Hugh Hefner's obituary. But only for the articles.
I have a coffee table in my house. It's decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me all at once.
Newt Gingrich is calling for a new House Committee on Un-American Activities. I thought that was just called Congress.
French toast is just toast that's surrendered.
Being clean and sober means i've showered and am heading to the liquor store.
My phone has better health insurance than I do.
Pixar announces, 'Finding Nemo 3, The Search of Future Revenue.'
Should you tell your neighbor that leaving their six porch lights on all day makes their Prius rather redundant?
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
Fun Fact: Ryan Lochte originally took up swimming because his pants were always on fire. 