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has been temporarily disconnected from AT&T...and my iPhone...where in the hell am I?! 
Tourist Resort is a place where no one knows how unimportant you are at home.
The best audience is one that is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk."
noticed that all the girls from his year at school that thought they were too good for me are now either fat, ugly or a frieky combination of the 2. Funny how the tables have turned.
says that nothing is IMPOSSIBLE, the word itself says I'M POSSIBLE !
thinks we should keep the Earth clean. It's not Uranus.
You know you're getting old when Happy hour is your nap.
taking a train to the land of make believe
more confused than a baby in a topless bar.
Heart palpitations count as cardio, right?
Ready for my new work out video ABS of BEER!
I have my own way of doing things... generally clumsy and usually late.
They say the universe is expanding...shouldn't that ease up the traffic?
Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers arse.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 60 and I still don’t know.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first. For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
How can you tell if someone plays the bagpipes well?
I think the wife has started to show signs of Alzheimers. She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me ! 