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I know alcohol is never the answer, but it's always my best guess. 
#1 I am sorry to break this to you baby but you are not #1. you are not even #10. To be honest I don't think you even made the speed dial list! However, you will always be my favorite Grandma!
When I'm rich, I'm going to dictate my status updates to my secretary, and my butler will press that share button.
That awkward moment when you run into an EX that you have purposely avoided and broke up with on FB.
Vampires will only truly love girls four days out of the month, period.
Today, an insect settled on my monitor. Being lazy, I tried waving my mouse at it, but it wouldn't move. So I loaded a picture of Justin Bieber. Worked like a charm.
Looks arent everything, but you cant wank over a personality!
"wants to do a 68, you go down and I'll owe you one. "
wonders where Puff the Magic Dragon gets the good stuff
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
if you wear dog tags as a "fashion accesory", YOU'RE WRONG!
Confucius says "Christmas trees are like priests...their balls are just for decoration"......
**shortest fairly tale**-->once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?" The girl said "NO!" The guy lived happily ever after..
She has the lips of an angel But what She does with them, she's probably going to hell
was just thinking if God didn't want us to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter…maybe thats why the Trex was always so angry?
I blew a speaker in my car today. He was a motivational speaker and he was very convincing.
I'm not saying blondes are dumb, but I just saw one snorting Sweet & Low because she thought it was Diet Coke.
If you invite a girl over to "watch a movie" and actually watch a movie, you're a failure as a man.
Yes honey you can talk to other guys; I don't mind a little competition. But don't get mad when you have some competition too.
Putting on a pretty shirt over my muffin top so I can make it a cupcake 