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My wife wants to speak with you. You're in deep sh*t. 
I’ve had the time of my life like ten or eleven times now.
You can't trust anybody with the remote control these days
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I'm going to drink tonight.
when someone asks me how to get in shape before summer. My response will be, start 6 months ago
To do list: Cancel date with Hope Solo.
Every Instagram caption should just be, “ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??”
What's the difference between a puppy and a liberal? A puppy will eventually open its eyes and stop whining.
NOT the father!
applied for job at AIG, I heard they get paid!
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.... it`s called "TRYDIXAGAIN
Dec 24th , Christmas Eve , the most exciting day of the year no matter how old you are .......
Why don't Polish people kill frogs? Because it's their national bird.
Just went to the kitchen for water and came back up without it. Now I have to go back to the kitchen.
Ahhh.. Time for bed. The only time where I don't worry about anything other than total relaxation.. Pffff.. Jk I lay their for 30 mins then masturbate.
wondering when will he ever learn the answer to lifes problems arent at the bottom of a bottle, theyre on facebook!!!!!
"If I had a Son, he would look like George Zimmerman." -Cher
D.A.R.E. ... Drugs Are Really Expensive...
Bought my dog a cell phone today...it was a good deal...she gets free roll over minutes =)
So...Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant, and Ben Rothelisberger walk into a bar........ 