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If you’re careful, you can eat an entire rack of ribs while taking a shower. 
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
To whom it may concern, If you are reading this, that means there’s nothing you can do about it now.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to put it in its place. So, I looked at it and said, Don’t forget that you’re only a towel, and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
If your palm itches, you're going to get something. If your crotch itches, you've already got it.
I smile at dogs more than I smile at people.
Cop: Sir,do I have your permission to search your vehicle ? Me: If I say no,will you bring the K-9 unit out ? Cop: Yes ! Me: Can I pet the dog ?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school? Me: no Therapist: no come on, they must have
Pokemon GO has done more for child obesity in the last 24 hours than Michelle Obama has in the past 8 years.
Still doubt Bernie Sanders will ever get elected for president in 2016. But his coleslaw and boneless wings get my vote every time.
I'm OK with the French beach laws,, but the KKK shouldn't be allowed to wear their burkas either... *Ya know,, fairness
Besides illegal immigrants, Hillary also has a lot of supporters that died along time ago.
Gary Johnson is now claiming he can see Aleppo from Sarah Palin's porch.
did anyone ever find out what The Rock was cooking? I always hoped it was bacon
Props to Jon Bon Jovi for continuing to keep up with the hairstyles of women his age. 