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Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week. 
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because I don’t know what i’m doing
: I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned. True story.
The Toronto Zoo is planning to split up a pair of gay penguins. You know how they're going to split them up? By giving the penguins just one ticket to see “Mamma Mia.”
What's up with that song "Up on the housetop, reindeer paws"? Somebody wasn't paying attention in biology class...
Social media invented the process of trash taking it self out.
every summer people try to work on their "summer body" ...i've been working on my winter body for years
I don’t jump to conclusions. I cannonball into them like a boss.
Ever want to say I Don’t Know, without sounding stupid? Say this instead: I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.
I've started up a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job. I'm just doing it to make hens meet.
I'm so old I remember when people the only people who took something off your porch were called milkmen.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Today is January 5. I still have quite a lot of last-minute shopping to do.
It's getting warmer. The polar vortex that put the country into a deep freeze that past few years is now up north in Canada. Finally, payback for giving us Justin Bieber and Celine Dion.
Given the species' reputation, you'd think Bugs Bunny would have more relatives.
I want to play Dodge Ball with random people who don't know they are playing.
*Playing pirates with my kids “I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
*me traveling back in time* *follows Albert Einstein* *waits for him to trip* *yells "Way to go, Einstein!"* *returns satisfied to present-time*
I haven't been the same since my mom gave birth to me.
At the zoo or on an African safari, they always pick the First Round Giraffe Choice. 