Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If someone wants to know how to play the piano but can't, does that mean they have pianist envy?

   I finally reached the age where happy hour is taking a nap.

   What's worse, women who want you to figure what's bothering them? Or the ones who tell you?

   There is a thin line between hating a person’s behavior with hating the actual person.

   I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

   WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas. ME: {drinking toast} Why?

   "Wonder why no one came to the kamikaze pilot's reunion dinner."

   There's a Father Nature, too, but all he's responsible for is the temperature.

   It's funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.

   So they say that having to much sex can cause memory loss, which is just a little something I seem to remember reading in a Rolling Stone magazine once on page 64 paragraphs 3 through 5 while sitting on a park bench October 14th 2002 at 3:46 p.m

   Once I ate a whole banana, skin and all. I found it quite unappeeling.

   if prison is "behind bars" , why don't people cal l the warden the "bar tender" ?

   I'll bet people with Tourette's make awful anatomy teachers!!

   Now if you will excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.

   Nothing says “I believe in you” more than when a waiter gives you a single napkin.

   Just ghosted a guy for the first time. What do you guys usually do with the body?

   I'm afraid if I start working out, I'll be too sexy.

   I really didn't need to know that Toad thing from Mario Kart.

   "Flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing. Boy did I learn that one the hard way.

   Lady, are you a Kardashian because I don't know what the hell you're talking about.