Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Using "amazeballs" in a status is the best way to let everyone know you dropped out of cosmetology school

   We all name our dogs....But.... Wonder what they call us .....

   Watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. And thougt how easily their entertained. Then realized, I just watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes.

   .....And then it occurred to me, maybe I'M the one with the weird looking nipples.

   :) Why is a hot water heater, called a hot water heater ? Who needs to heat hot water?:D

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. I don't have time for those meetings.

   I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I didn't drive there in the first place. Anyone missing a car?

   Hugh Hefner dead at 91.... =( Good thing he had so many reasons to keep it up for so long

   When I leave home on time for something I have that sure feeling that I forgot something

   Conflicting emotions: Watching your mother in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.

   For no reason at all Smash Mouth's "All Star" is stuck in my head. I'm sorry to do this to you, but if I go down, we all go down.

   I walked into the library yesterday and asked if they had the reference work.."Calcification Of The Spine"...The librarian said..."I've got a hardback"...I said..."Yeah...that's the one...thank you!!"

   I like it when I'm accidentally a genius.

   Listen here, Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away

   I want a version of Baywatch with only fat people in it.

   I almost took a girl out once. BOY . . . did I dodge a bullet. Her dad never liked me, and fortunately, his aim was off!

   I bet Batman’s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he’s willing to admit.

   Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.

   If I ever go missing, please don't look for me.

   When I was in our laundry room today, I saw that our ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.