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Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today 
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
freezing my eggs so I can chuck em at his house later
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My boyfriend does this completely insane thing where sometimes, when I ask him to take a photo of me, he takes exactly ONE photo
The main difference between a Nudist and a Streaker is the type of blur your local TV News channel uses of the incident.
True love means being with someone want to see you get ahead in life by waiting until February 15th to get their flowers in candy at 50% off.
Wouldn't it be awesome if the snow relief package people threw rolls of paper towels at us?
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
If parents are homeschooling does the family album become the yearbook?
When you use the self-service checkout lanes at Wal-mart, you should get a discount like you do when you buy self-service gasoline.
Never forget your family... they're the real enemies.
Show dominance on an airplane by calling the flight attendants bartenders.
In my future defense, I was not running from the cops, I was running from the cameras
Popeyes finally added a drink to their $5 meal. Somebody up in corporate finally choked on a biscuit.
This girl at the bar is winking at me. Now she's using the other eye. Never mind, she's passing out.
insider trading tip...tomorrow's Energizer & Duracell stocks go down some
Dance like no one's watching! Just be careful of the creepy guy in the corner with the video camera who hasn't moved all night who wants the make you famous on YouTube.
If I were ever to win the lottery, first thing I'd do is hire someone to clean my kids room...and then buy some chicken wings with the $20 I have left over. 