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My wife caught me cheating yesterday. Was a stupid and careless mistake. She said she's never going to play Monopoly with me again 
Lets behonest.. Apart from "I love you" and "I miss you" which other jokes do you know? ??
My Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking. So no more drive through KFC. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
I just got the minivan washed if anyone wants to party this weekend.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got five fingers, and just one is for you.
I think daylight saving time should start on a friday at 4pm instead of 2am sunday morning.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover. They're both hard to find and lucky to have.
I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
I only date girls who like the series "Lost" because they are used to disappointment
I don't get women. My wife said she bought this lingerie for me, but then got boiling angry when I put it on.
Whenever I am feeling down I check my junk folder and read all the Congratulations! emails
My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My Housemaid thought it was a weighing scale. Conclusion: My Housemaid weighs 750 dollars.....
The most effective way to remember your GF's birthday is to forget it once
A white lie is like a regular lie except it orders a grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte, with soy milk from Starbucks.
Don't make me go all shouty capitals on you ...
I decided to weigh myself this morning when the scale said "Lo". I was ready to get all excited when I realized it just mean the battery! Ugh
Fact: “Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.
I don't get the lowest common denominator mentality of FB groups. Someone posts something thought provoking and gets no attention. Someone else posts "What's better, a Whopper or a Big Mac?" and they ago berzerk answering.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy? 