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It's not the constant thought or fear of death that keeps me awake at night. It's usually grandma's Jalapeno flavored meatloaf! 
If you want me to go running with you I will need some motivation. Like a clown waving a bloody knife chasing after us.
I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I want another one!"
Charity should be anonymous. That is why I donate to strippers going to college, they have NO clue who I am.
You can learn a lot about a person by collecting hair from their hairbrush and giving it to a voodoo priestess
if you're going through hell stop and smell the flames
I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, I couldn't snap out of it...Then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions....The trick is to not form an emotional bond
I'm kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I'm just a guy in a bathrobe.
finishing the toilet paper roll and not replacing it should be considered as domestic terrorism.
If you cross a 4-leaf clover with poison ivy you'll end up with a rash of good luck.
Anyone who says you added too much cheese is an undercover cop.
If a woman is crying and you don't understand why - congratulations! you're a Man now
Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch
To help prevent teen pregnancy. High schools should hand out a C.D. of a crying baby instead of comdoms.
Ths girl tweeted "your adorable" and I tweeted back "no, YOU'RE adorable" and now I think she completely missed the typo
Some guy knocked on my door earlier today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I replied, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
My New Years resolution for losing weight starts in February 2018, January was spent looking for a decent diet plan ! #strong
Boss called and wants a meeting, asks how does 3:00 sound? BONG BONG BONG, silly boss 