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Skiing is my favorite way of getting a head injury while freezing to death. 
with great power,come's a great electric bill.
would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.
Love means nothing in tennis, but it's everything in life
How do I stay looking so slim?.... well, once a week I do a 40 hour famine....it's for a good cause.... you should sponsor me....
If the universe wanted me to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good
Daily log Monday morning, 9:49am: I have decided I am done trying until Friday night, I've already been here too long this week.
Every status has the potential to be funny with the proper amount of alcohol and or narcotic.
If you can read, then this status doesn't apply to you.
Seismologists are nothing but a bunch of fault finders...
Sure, I'll dance with your wife so she will stop bugging you to get up and dance. But I expect a fresh beer be waiting for me upon my return from the dance floor sir.
who kicks an owl on the soccer field? and why is it headline news?
Youre never too old to learn something stupid
Think I'm going to ride a cow to work tomorrow .. trigger sum folks
I am addicted to buying old Beatles' albums. Does anyone know where I can get Help?
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance. Yeah, well we'll see about that.
Ugh!! My wife sent me to Walmart to get feminine products and I’ve been walking around for 45 mins...I’m starting to think Wal-Mart doesn’t sell mops....
Parents with Antifa shirts should not worry about if their child gets laughed at about climate change
Why haven't Fruity/cocoa pebbles teamed up with a milk company to make the flavor of milk that has the taste after you eat the cereal
interviewer: describe yourself in three words. frankenstein’s monster: a people person 