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Before mowing the lawn I always spend an hour pricing goats on the internet. 
God gave his own Archangels Weapons ... Because even God knew you don't fight Evil with tolerance and understanding.
.... When I was waiting in the examination room for my prostate exam, When I asked the doctor where I should put my pants ... "Over there beside MINE" ... wasn't quite the answer I was expecting.
Sex with someone that doesn’t want to is rape. I thought that was marriage?
English is confusing because "booty call" and "butt dial" mean very different things.
I can't decide whether to vote for the crooked liar or the lying crook...
The phrase "fake news" is getting just as annoying as "wazzz-uuuuup"
I'm out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
If the start of a Basketball game is called a Tip-off, why isn’t the start of a Hockey game called a Puck-off?
Why is lemonade made with artificial flavor, while furniture polish is made with real lemons?
I have depression. A friend suggested I need to get out more so I went to the beach. Now I have a Tropical Depression.
Got some good financial news today. The kid I've been sponsoring in some third-world country got eaten by a lion.
As I walk through Walmart......all the sudden the election makes sense.
But the Atlanta Falcons won the popular vote! How could this happen?!
#NOTMYSUPERBOWL
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
Today is International Women's Day, It was supposed to be yesterday, but they couldn't get everything ready on time.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I just watched Discovery's "How It's Made" and, honestly, I'm never eating another urinal cake again.
Left and right wing extremists hate moderates with a passion. It's beyond their limited comprehension to grasp the plausibility in seeing a little truth in both sides.
Relationship status: woke up next to an empty pizza box 