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there wasn't a coronavirus until you mofos started making those brooms stand up by themselves 
So,...about these murder hornets, do you send them a list of names or what? How exactly does it work?
My fiancee keeps asking, "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really strange way to start a conversation
Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, This is why I don't give eeffoc until I've had my coffee!
"Oh, Darwin! Oh, Scientific Method!" -things atheists say during sex.
Pro athletes are just modern day court jesters who are only here to entertain us.
I can count on half a hand the number of industrial accidents I've had
Once she gets out of the 'spraying my face with mace' phase in our relationship she will get a better understanding of my love for her
Know what more people in this world need?????? Exit wounds.
just seen someone write “10Q” to mean “thank you“ and I wouldn’t even be mad if there was another Noah like flood in the next few minutes.
I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.
Sometimes I wish I had more middle fingers.
My kid took his coffee in the shower with him so there's really no need for a DNA test. He's mine.
"Earth" without "Art" is just "Eh".
Bikini season is just around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the taco food truck.
There are teenagers out there that are having unprotected sex but have indestructable cases for their phones. Let that sink in for a moment....
I went in for my weekly visit to my Psychologist. I told him that I sometimes feel like I'm a Cat. He wanted to know how long have I felt that way... I replied, "since I was a Kitten."
A perfect Monday night: 7 pm -- Ahh yes Chinese food!!! 7:15 pm -- I'm so full. 7:30 pm -- Ahh yes leftover Chinese food!!!
I hate my job but it pays for my alcohol and I need alcohol because I hate my job.
You know you are pissed off when Eminem starts to make sense. 