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I was just cursing the bag boy at the grocery store for leaving out my Reece's cups and then I remembered I used self-checkout. 
Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong.
It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don't like almonds, I like salt...
It looks like everyone wants Jon Snow to play NFL...he wont bend a knee
Hugh Heffner...the only person who we can truly say is not in a better place now...
Bruce Willis to return for Die Hard 6. Working titles are "Die Hard: Speak Up Please" and "Die Hard: When I was your age"
I'am a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that's the truth.
Fellas: Let a woman wear the pants in a relationship. They are coming off later anyways!
cereal is dead to me now....what happened to choosing the best toy
thinking about getting lip plates installed like african tribes, it would save alot of trips in a buffet...load it up, tilt head back..start again
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
The only thing an optimist and a procrastinator ever need say to each other is 'tomorrow.'
#Facebook will be worth even more someday to the alien scientists trying to determine why humans perished.
I'm kind of scared about what the future is going to bring...Pretty soon were all going to have microchips inplanted in our heads...We'll be able to take and upload pictures just by a blink of an eye.
Our argument would be more impressive if either one of us knew what we're talking about.
It sucks when you're trick or treating and someone has a really long driveway that you actually took the time to walk up and they don't have candy.
If you look at your shot glass as half-empty, not only are you a pessimist but you obviously have no idea how to really drink.
I hadn't planned on doing anything today. So far, I am right on schedule!
The hardest part about being Nicolas Cage is that you're having every single emotion all the time.
Women just want to be told they're beautiful. Especially the good looking ones. 