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I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin' spoon!"
Double negatives are a no-no.
If your full name was Elongated Musketeer then you would probably shorten it, too
I always carry a flute with me in case I see deer or rabbits frolicking in a sunny meadow.
Me: Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home. Priest: I don't believe that is an actual prayer... Me: No, but it's like a prayer.
Common sense is like a deodorant.......The people who need it most never use it..
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
I put my pants on just like anyone else; unwillingly.
Seriously Gas stations need to start having Happy Hours O Something of that sort
We have a dog so my husband just installed an invisible fence ... I think
A study says we only use 12% of our brain. Just think how intelligent we would be if we used the other 70%.
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, but you make 100% of the shots you don't miss.
Be careful when a guy says "he loves you from the bottom of his heart",this may mean that "there is still enough space for another girl at the top"
If yesterday was "May the Fourth Be With You" is tomorrow "Revenge of the Sixth"?
If God loves us why do we have ear hair
Good news is when your daughter pays back the $3000 she owes you. Bad news is when she gives it to you in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
My thesaurus can beat up your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow's ass 