Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   There is strength in loyalty; not in numbers.

   If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

   . A Hypochondriac is a person who can't leave well enough alone.

   Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...

   Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.

   If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.

   To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.

   In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.

   Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress

   I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work.

   The left’s attempts to silence ideas they cannot, or will not debate, is a confession of intellectual bankruptcy.

   I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think of romance,the last thing I think of is a short,chubby child coming at me with a weapon.

   Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.

   So I just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God I love my boobs.

   I serve my "fck you's" with a smile. It just has a better effect that way. Don't you think?

   My mother-in-law came to visit, I asked, "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "You're not even going to stay for coffee?"

   President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?

   I hate when I'm laughing & my ass falls off.