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Turning on your lights and sirens after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship 
Hey Jussie, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it.
I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
Ironically removing episodes from old comedy show because they are offensive..They'll end up on the black market.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
I'm just here to offer you a glimmer of nope.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a sheethead."
I would love to kill you with kindness,but all I have is this knife.
I just got stripped of 7 of my kick ball titles they found out I had performance enhancer shoes
I'm from Canada, we use the metric system, so 'third base' means 'butt stuff'.
Did you know that if you watch Twilight backwards... it's still crap.
I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just dont have the majestic aura of the donkey.
A TV chef just explained, "it's the heat that starts the cooking process"... Hmmm,, Let me just write that down
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It's pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
Remember that things always get worse before they get better. Unless, you know, you die in the process of it getting worse.
Remember people, good manners is what separates us from the French
The baby laughing alone in the back of the vehicle at nothing in particular goes from adorable to creepy after only a couple miles.....
Dear Customer Service: When are all of your representatives NOT assisting other callers?
When I was kid, werewolves and vampires were scary. Now everyone wants to damn date them.
So, you're telling me that the Grammys aren't cute little bags of cocaine?
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