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I dont even call it a hangover anymore. I just call it ''morning''. 
Don't go 4 looks; they can deceive. Don't go 4 wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and then a diet coke?
Go deep throat a cactus.
The supreme court is just like regular court but with sour cream.
Celebrating today's unemployment news is like getting excited about all the open tables in the Titanic's dining room, the media appears to be pretending the unemployment rate dropped for some reason other than holiday seasonal staffing.
I'll complain about the government invading my privacy,Right after I'm done telling you where I am and what I'm doing on Facebook, and as soon as I post this picture of what I'm eating on Instagram.
Kindness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
Guys... Controlling your woman when she is mad is easy... Just tell her she's overreacting. She will then realize you're right and calm right down.
How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
The Kardashians turned Scott into an alcoholic, Lamar into a crackhead, and Bruce into a woman. I can't wait to see what they do to Kanye...
A Man who treats his lady like a Princess was surely brought up in teh hands of a QUEEN!
Life may not always give us chances, but it always gives us choices.
Someday I hope to solve one of the great mysteries of life, like where do socks go when you put them into the dryer?
That awkward moment when you want to buy something, check the price and sadly, leave it there.
for more info on lung cancer, keep smoking..
I was just reading the bible and it came to my attention that is is the man's job to make the coffee in the morning... HeBrews
Love is like your shadow...the more steps you make towards it the further it moves away from you...but yet it follows you around your whole life.
No matter what it is I'm doing, there's always about an 85% chance I'm supposed to be doing something else. 