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Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet? Wife: I’m definitely bothered 
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it. Still not sure why you would need this though.
Municipal Government: Try to stay home Provincial Government: Try to stay home Federal Government: Try to stay home My boss: See you tomorrow
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead? Me: No it was just wings.
Not saying I have the biggest nose in the world but my mask is a D cup
Only 364 more days until Halloween!! I know, I know. I can't wait either.
Bad Politicians are elected by Good People who DON'T VOTE!
I have friends I would take a bullet for and friends I'm reserving a bullet for.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
People always slam elevator music and that's very hurtful to those of us who have spent years learning to play the elevator.
Just a deplorable trying to not get suicided by the clinton crime regime.
people can cry and cry all they want about who won and who didn't but when you have a 50% voter turnout you have only yourself to blame.
Being a Man is great until you hear a noise late at night and your wife makes you realize that you are the one who is supposed to go investigate
If you have enough cats you don't even need a blanket.
Came Across a disclaimer that said "don't try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbor's house
Life is full of fake people. Before you decide to judge them, make sure you're not one of them
FYI: It should be illegal to play a doorbell sound on TV... Or a siren in a song on the radio
I don't go on Twitter a lot, does 'tweets' mean "political p!ssing and moaning from all sides", and what happened to the - Funny ??
Well OBVIOUSLY,, Winter is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese. 