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Dear washing machine, I am all for fighting breast cancer, in-fact I have offered to be a buddy for the buddy check, but turning my socks pink… Come on! 
Drugs may lead to nowhere but at least it's the scenic route.
we need more fathers and less sperm donors
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
I can't believe so many of my friends were close to Joan rivers...
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them?
A transgender wins women's lifting competition. Pathetic, that's not a woman.
America doesn't have a gun problem, America has an idiot problem.
There are three kinds of people: Those that agree with me, those that kinda agree with me...then there are those that are buried in the backyard ;)
Sometimes I click the "LIKE" button on people's statuses just so I can then click the "UNLIKE" button. One of my many cheap thrills...
Getting back with an ex is pretty much like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Love how the Salvation Army gets top dollar for donated old crap...I thought they were supposed to help poor people. Sorry Mr. Freezing Homeless guy..that coat is $40.
Well, if tonight's election proves anything....its that the unions were a lot more effective when the mob ran them.
Ladies, don't wear skinny jeans, if you have no skinny genes.
3 kinds of women:- Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have boyfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened.
I cooked a live Lobster in the microwave and now I have a giant mutant lobster in my living room demanding to watch The Little Mermaid.
"I am cleaning up my friends list" should be changed to "I'm notifying you that you should give me attention and argue your friendship level to me."
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don't have to save for retirement...
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That's not lazy, that's proactive.
When life gives you lemons, order the lobster tail. 