Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I am not the man they think I am back home

   Remember the days when you would leave for work, and say goodbye to your spouse, lover or partner, knowing you probably wouldn't talk to them until you got home from work? No cellphones, emails, texting, facebook, blah, blah! Man, though were the days...

   when I said pull out, I didnt mean shot me in the eye either!

   3 roomates and the end of the toilet paper ALWAYS end on me.. WTF!!!!!

   I'm a whole new breed of special.

   Instead of telling everybody what color is your damn bra, put 2 bucks in the freaking can at the shopping center if you really want to help people with breast cancer, for Christ's sake!! Stop talking on facebook and give money!

   My mother sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn't post things that some people might find offensive. after much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her

   When I was younger, after getting a haircut or visiting the doctor I would receive a lollipop. My tastes have not changed since then. Give me a damn lollipop.

   Oh how winky faces make anything sound dirty (;

   Never Explain -- your Friends do not need it and your Enemies will not believe you anyway

   Life lesson # 243- Never try to cut the hair of a 16 month old child without anesthesia.

   Almost casted for "The Biggest Loser", when I found out it wasn't the lose weight show, totally got pissed..

   if dill was a cookie flavor, would the batter be called "dill dough"?

   well...I can't afford a breast lift. Suppose I could pierce my nipples and wear a magnet around my neck!!

   Me - "Hey Whats up!" Her - "Nothing I feel sick" Me - "awe, why?" Her - "Im on my period..." (walk away slowly and dont say another word)

   's is big. (Or maybe she said that to make me feel good.)

   they say the camera adds 10 pounds. well it looks like you just ate five cameras.

   Ugly girls....stop taking pics and posting it like you're cute.

   This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being

   I wish I had had Dora's parents . They let her little A$$ go anywhere