Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Warning: going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night does not prevent Monday. There is no cure.

   thinks it's funny that in about 40 years from now, there is going to be a lot of seniors walking around with tattoos.

   Every time I watch Titanic, I'm more convinced that if they had tried harder, Jack would've fit perfectly fine on that floating headboard.

   Aww c'mon...everybody knows ho is short for honey.

   Sometimes I think the world would be much better without so much technology. ~ Sent from my iPhone.

   trying to decide: laundry today or naked tomorrow?

   always right, never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong.

   officially changing her TV remote's name to Waldo.

   used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better.

   If you don't like being tailgated, then don't play movies I like.

   's favourite fruit is grapes. With grapes, you always get another chance. If you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.

   Q: What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? A: Roberto.

   Guess Lesnar should have feared more then just the Diarrhea from Mexico

   literally there are some of you I want to hit in the face with a book, oh my god.

   how ironic would it be to choke on a lifesaver?

   Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails."

   Hint: if someone asks you if you "have a sec", answer "I have lots of secs", and they will forget their original question.

   After watching Final Destination, I now have visions. I won't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and roti.

   WARNING: Facebook contains traces of nuts.

   If Abe Vigoda adopted Dakota Fanning, the resulting name would be funny.