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They don't surprise the winner of the Retirement Home's Man of the year anymore.... That's how they lost last year's winner 
I must be some kind of food magician because every time I bite into a hard shelled taco I instantly have a hand full of nacho's.
There is no place like home unless you are homeless...
It's really hard raising a child by yourself, I don't know how my T.V. does it.
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
does not understand why people say "if I won the lottery, I would still work"....im 100% sure I could find better things to do...especially when I'm rich
Just ran into my ex at the store. He has a wonderful new girlfriend now. Much better than I ever was. So I told him I had half a sandwich in my car and did she want those leftovers, too.
Beware of Alphabet Grenades. If you throw them, it could spell disaster.
convinced they gave a day pass to the people in the old folks home so they could work the polls today.
Does anyone else find it ironic that election day is on Dia de los Muertos? What a conundrum.
Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?"
The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so friggin' heroic.
I should run for office I'm tired of peeps getn free rides with 26 inch rims and and dont work
So I'm listening to Pandora today, and I think I heard the most fitting name for a techno song that was on... called "This Is Acid"
wondering why the yellow brick road never ended?
Apparently "get naked" is not the correct response for "anything else I can do for you today?" from the hot male store clerk...Also: I need bail.
To the guy in the stall next to me who's "attempting" to sit down...what's with all the TP? Are you a germaphobe or are you trying to build a freaking NEST?! 