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ROMANTIC IDEA: Buy a packet of glow in the dark stars and stick the stars on the roof above your bed to spell out a message such as "I Love You" When the lights go down, your message will be revealed! 
Just pulled out!...........Yep, I decided to pull out of the 2012 presidential race. Sorry america.
The nice thing about being overweight is, if challenged, you can crush the competition....on a lighter note, you can then finish your donut......
Well aren't you just a waste of 2 billion years of evolution?
Go Fish is more fun to play if you add "yourself" to the end of saying it.
you are not big boned, you are fat . . . Bones don't jiggle!
this one's not funny, keep scrolling . . .
knows that the bird is a word.
thinks Katy Perry should be offered as a flavor at Baskin Robbins.
today I saw a duck with a garbage bad around its neck, but instead of helping him, I sang the theme song for dark wing duck.
says This Christmas, let's put misteltoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our..."
Girl: You have a big stomach, you cant even see your own feet! GUY: I let it get big like this so I won't have to look at your face while you suck my D***!..
By definition, shouldn't the word "unique" have zero synonyms in a thesaurus?
Living in Orlando makes me feel like I'm in a foreign country....which is PERFECT for Thanksgiving!!!
Alright so I ended up taking part in national unfriend day... it's going to be awkward telling my cat he is no longer my friend.
you can have my FourLoko when you pry it from my cold, dead drunk hands...
thinking the TSA needs to add a smoking section at security checkpoints I need a smoke after that "pat down"!
In line at walmart. The lady in front of me had a lawn chair, a can of beans and a box of that summers eve douche rinse. I'm afraid to imagine what her weekend might consist of
made entirely of flaws but stitched together with good intentions.
Time to go give my sheets some a$$ and pillow some head...
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