Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Everyone complains about octomom but everyone loves the duggars who popped out 20+ of those things. Shows you americans don't understand how much octo means

   My adopted asian baby and I went to go pick out a pet, I suggested a lizard and she started screaming and crying. Who knew asian babies know of godzilla at 2 years of age

   Always use tasteful words because you may have to eat them.

   The people who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.

   The older I get, the more I desperately cling to my immaturity.

   I'm living the dream! Unfortunately, I think it's the bad one where I come to school with no pants on.

   Playing monopoly with a jew, a woman and a black person. It's very awkward because the black person is in jail, the woman is the iron and the jew is the banker

   For those of you who know what Moth Balls smell like I have only one question. How'd you get your nose between the little fellas legs?

   Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

   "I love my cable company! Their customer service and pricing can't be beat! I'm glad I have no other options!" said no one ever.

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment

   Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.

   A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.

   I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday.

   Dont Pour Sugar on me... I have Diabetes... Dont Pour Sugar on me... High in fructose... Dont pour sugar on me.. I'll die of stroke.. Hot sticky lost my feet... Feeling numb from my head to my feet yeah... Dont Pour Sugar on me... I have had enough

   Just got the best massage with happy ending at the new TSA Spa at JFK Airport.

   Anyone who says onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the face with a watermelon... just ask that chick on the amazing race...

   This weekends forecast: Mostly drunk, scatterd shots and a slight chance of falling down..

   If your Thanksgiving plans include tofurkey, then you don't actually have Thanksgiving plans.

   Only in the US it's called "that little squiggly thingy", all other english speaking countries call it "Tilde".