Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I swear if this day gets any better, I'm gonna have to sit on my hands to keep from clapping!!!

   When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we've met before." so they feel awkward trying to remember me.

   Just got a Facebook "confirmed friend request" email from the bar I got kicked out of a few weeks ago. That means I'm allowed back in, right?

   Alarm clocks. Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

   Just so there are no misunderstandings, I am here for my own entertainment.

   So, I saw a can of Lysol that was "original" scent. What the heck does "original" smell like??

   How come no one will ever hold my hand and skip with me in public places??

   I don't speed.....I drive with purpose!

   I need to be a greeter at Walmart so I can direct people appropriately. "Nair for your lady mustache aisle 4...Deodorant for that stench aisle 5..." etc.

   having a spirited game of "got your nose" with a snowman. I'm totally kicking his ass!

   finds it interesting that the word "palindrome" is not a palindrome..

   today, when I asked my dad why wedding dresses are white, he replied; "son, all household appliances come in white".

   Make up, the worst lie man will ever come across

   sitting beside a hot girl that just picked her nose and put it under her seat... She's no longer hot.

   "Do you know where the nearest payphone is located?" Um... 1998?

   can tell you the 5 most unappealing words in the English language... Used Hot Tub For Sale.

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets

   I asked Mom if I was a gifted child… she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

   Most people don't act stupid – it's the real thing.