Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sometimes I wish there was a zombie apocalypse just so I can hit a certain few people in the face with a shovel.

   The thing about social media is that you can pretend you've gone to bed by not replying but really you're just sitting there the whole time.

   If I haven't done something you asked me to do and I say it's because life has "been crazy", it really means I've just been lazy.

   Dear Santa, please bring me a new butt, mine has a crack in it!

   I was born cool, but the global warming made me hot

   got food poisoning yesterday. Just not sure who to use it on yet.

   the doctor said pops has sugar in his urine now we cant stop him from peeing on his cornflakes.

   3.14159 I love you when you're covered in ice cream.

   If a really fat man grabs you and throws you in a bag don't panic its just santa collecting his ho's.I'm txtn you fm the bag.Bring alcohol! Thanks

   If I died wouldnt it be weird if you still got random status updates from me?? "I can see the light"...."This line to see Jesus is long"...."I wonder if someone will let me front skip them"...."Oh snap heaven is doin pat-downs"

   Too bad people can't smell their own breath, this guy came to solicit at my front door this morning and his breath was scalding. He needed a Listerine popsicle!

   The thing guys want most for Christmas: A portrait of themselves in a karate outfit, leaning against a sweet Trans Am.

   resisting the new profile page.. Read the signs people! Today, your profile page.. tomorrow the world!

   busier than the drummer of Def Leppard.

   on my way to the catalina wine mixer....

   You know you've been playing "Call of Duty" too much, when during sex, you shout "COVER ME! I'm RELOADING!"

   i find tinsel distracting

   I'm buying 100 Gyro-bowls for Christmas. I'm tired of spilling my vodka when I stumble out of the bathroom. who wants one?

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   if you want to feel skinny....hang out with a group of fat people!