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People who constantly think their spouse is always cheating on them..Should just stay single and miserable forever. 
Sad news - I helped organise my boss's funeral this week, but apparently he has to be 'dead' before it can go ahead.
Milk that says ‘98% fat free' should just come out and say, ‘Water with 2% milk'
The most useless advice in the world: "CHILL OUT"
I'm so hungry I could eat something healthy.
thinking about getting lip plates installed like african tribes, it would save alot of trips in a buffet...load it up, tilt head back..start again
Feeling stressed about something? Ask yourself, “Will this really matter after I've had a few drinks?”
cut through an adult gift store parking lot to avoid a traffic light, my neighbor only saw me pulling out with my mother. :/
You young and ignorant boys can keep your virgins; give me hot old women in high heels with a$$es that forgot to get old.
Ladies: Can we have more head and less headaches please!!
remember, it is not a lie if you believe it!
A snake bit me today and my neighbour's wife was kind enough to suck the venom out. Or at least that's what I told my wife when she walked in on us.
That uneasy moment when you realize the garbage goes out more than you.
Arousal is a miracle… Don't try to hide it. It's an unsolicited endorsement, a standing ovation, a spontaneous demonstration. ~Playboy
I don't wear a watch. I DECIDE what time it is.
I haven't been laid in such a long time that my virginity is beginning to grow back.
Sometimes when I am bored I like to park on the side of the freeway and stick a blow dryer out the window and watch the cars slam on their brakes.
I am the guy she asks to feel her legs after shaving.
Hints that someone is not enjoying your company. . 1. I keep backing away from you. 2. No eye contact. 3. Keep checking my phone. 4. I'm trying real hard to spontaneously combust.
new rule: For every post you don't like, you must post a better one..
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