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Sitting on the toilet growing a tail. 
Sometimes I wish animals could talk....then I remember all the things my cats have seen me do when I'm alone and I'm very grateful they can't.
My kids got in a fist fight while playing one of those claw machines at the pizza joint & sh@t like that is why I'm never sober.
Sometimes I feel like I'm possessed by an old Jewish lady. Especially when paying for something.
Wish I was rich enough to own a room full of bees & if someone upset me I could order my muscular butler to "Take them to the Bee Room!"
In Canada, we don't divorce due to "irreconcilable differences" we just call it "liking different hockey teams"
Jeremy Lin is no flash in the Moo goo gai pan.
Dear Sharks: You may get your own week on TV, but house cats get their own eternity on the internet.
God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, but He probably hired Steve to help decorate the garden.
What wine goes best with Cheerios..?
Its like a sowna in here...no more pantilonies
My house looks like a tornado sat around on Facebook all day.
My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail.
If I could turn invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he'd get would be amazing!
My "look like I'm paying attention" face is oddly similar to my "I wonder what I'm gonna have for dinner" face.
I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.
Women have an amazing gift of making you feel wrong for being right.
The fact that I just swerved to avoid hitting a deer with my car tells me that it's finally time to make it illegal for deer to text.
I have a date tonight...with my bed. We're totally gonna sleep together.
A: I forgot my glasses, I can't read sh*t! B: You're not supposed to read sh*t, you're supposed to read books… Unless you're a Twilight fan. Then you read sh*t!
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