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funny how the smell of a fart can remind you of the meals you've consumed for the day 
So I gave up bungee jumping for lent for the 6th year in a row. I've never gone... but I think I'd like to at some point in my life. Just can't do it right now. True story...
I only take half a vitamin because I haven't decided if I wanna live forever.
was just asked by his mum to stop saying "I'm hungry" and to find something new to say fo once. So I said "OK...I'm horny for food!"
Handles on a matress come in really handy, not only to flip your matress. big smile
if you ask me my sign so you can see if we're compatible or not, I'll save you the suspense... we're not.
Trying to get into a relationship had turned me into a B-grade male version of Adele.
I want whatever drugs make sign twirlers tolerate their jobs for more than 9 seconds.
Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's next to go.
The more you know, the less you need to say.
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
Ghandi, MLK and Nelson Mandela are heroes of mine because they preached non-violence and also I don't think they wore Tap Out t-shirts.
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag
Motivation= get on treadmill naked in front of mirror
If you can't handle the truth, stop asking tge questions. I'm into fairytales. Come on people, you know Snow White slept with a dwarf before Prince Charming came along!
One thing vampire children are taught at a very young age is, never run with a wooden stake
understands the concept of housework, but has difficulty grasping how it applies to me!
@_theguy_: Cherries, lemons, limes and olives? This bar has the worst salad bar ever!
My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
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