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Normal person flirting: "Hey, you're really cute".....Me:"Your face, I like that shxT!" 
I fart, why..because it's the only gas I can afford.
No Xvideos, I would not like to share this video with friends and family on Facebook.
Herpes is just a contagious pimple. It's not like other stds, like kids or something.
Voice text to boss ..i wont be in tomorrow in bed with nasty cold.. What he gets .. I wont be in tomorrow in bed with sexy clown..thanx Android..!!
That little girl has already made more money than all of us and banged hotter chicks. good on her
I can't wait till march 4th, it's my favorite day because when people ask me what the date is it's like I'm sending them into battle.
My little girl is an adult now! Happy 18th Birthday Justin Bieber. :)
When I get rich, I'm going to open a restaurant called I dont knows.. Every couple will be there!.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
The best tasting thing at Whole Foods is not nearly as good as the worst tasting thing at Dunkin' Donuts.
If you ask for one of my fries, sure, I'll give you one. But don't think for a minute that I'm not FURIOUS about it.
Interesting that a lot of religions are anti-pork because bacon is the thing that makes me believe in God.
A bipolar police officer would be awesome at playing good cop, bad cop.
"Hey Andrew Breibart.... Wecome to the club!" - Vince Foster
I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lens...
Scientists are baffled... Snooki, the tallest of the Oompa Loompa's, is pregnant! They didn't think anything human could possibly live in her!
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
just thought of a good prank...if closterphobic friend passes out drunk & about to awaken slip a bag over their head 9with breathing holes) & watch the fun happen when they realize where they are
You probably didn't know, but when you wear pajama pants in public WE CAN SEE YOU, IT AIN'T PRETTY!
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