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I think a duck's opinion of me, is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread! 
I sent out a text message saying "hey I lost my phone can you call it?" 7 people called...damn it I need some smarter friends!
Karma is like a rubber-band...it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face!
You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born when completing on-line forms
People always wonder why it is that a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you....it's your breath.
GIRL: “Have you ever done anything sexual before?” GUY: “Well, one time I came out of a v@gina naked”
When I exercise at the gym, I wear all black. It's like a funeral for my fat.
Little-known fact: that Quaker guy on the oatmeal box is naked from the waist down.
The guy who invented underwear must have sounded crazy.
I'm surprised we don't see more octopus baristas.
Glow in the dark condoms. Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! ...
If Clint Eastwood sneezes on you, it counts as a baptism.
I sneezed and nobody blessed me... What happens now?! I'm scared.
"Won't you put your package in my male slot?" - Is how I hit on my mailman.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I'll never get to touch.
Just watched a loch ness monster documentary and I finally believe, without a doubt, that I have better teeth than everyone in Scotland.
Just saw a guy rollerblading while I was driving. Who rollerblades anymore?! Not that guy because I just hit him with my truck. Allegedly.
Are you crying? No, my eyes are taking a pi$$
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
When you die and God asks what you did with your life, try not to say, "Didn't you read my tweets and Facebook updates?"
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