Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I am not saying I hate you or anything but if you were ever badly hurt and I had the only phone to call you an ambulance I would order pizza delivery first.

   "K?” Get back to me when you learn the rest of the alphabet.

   Checking friendship to see if this person ever wished me a happy birthday. No. Screw them.

   Even though it will mean the loss of 1-2 inches in height, some of you should seriously consider the Ped Egg..

   Countries should have to declare thumb war before declaring actual war

   Poured down rain last night...I think instead of a fish fry sandwich today, I am going to have worm stew...that counts, right?

   8.Excuse me, miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there...

   Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it's a two-star hotel.

   My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.

   If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I'm gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.

   Domino's is spending a lot of money to tell us that little pieces of bread with cheese on them is the greatest idea they've ever had.

   Thinking about getting the new iPad 23 that comes out today, but might hold off to next Friday and get the iPad 24.

   Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with copious amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that's the best medicine.

   If I was a cave man. I'd be the one who hunts sloths. In my condition, those buggers are fast

   Someone just asked wheres the good in goodbye. I slapped him

   Honesty is the best policy — not if he has a small weiner

   I guess it's time to find someone to grow old and miserable with.

   thinks Google Maps needs an "Avoid Ghetto" option.

   Say no to drugs. Although, if you're talking to drugs, it may be too late.

   just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.