Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Hey Customer Service - Instead of monitoring this call for quality purposes, how about you just listen to what I need and fix it?!?

   I'm sick of everyone bringing kegs to the parties I throw. What part of Bring Your Own Bacon don't they understand?

   I hate when crumbs fall down your cleavage.....sometimes I think my boobs eat more than I do

   Whenever I have a truck driver call me asking for directions I just start making sh*t up. I still wonder if that guy ever found Kaka Street.

   When it comes to friends...I'd rather have four quarters than one hundred pennies.

   Relationships are a two way street navigated by women who are backseat drivers and men who refuse to use maps.

   I've given up begging my girlfriend to swallow. From now on, she can deal with her anorexia on her own.

   A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast.

   If you`re texting two people at the same time, you are biTextual...

   NERD FLIRTING: "I wish I could select all of you clothes & press delete."

   Teacher Johnny: Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence... Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and.. Her-ass-meant a lot to me

   My friends and I used to get high on gas vapour, but we now just smoke crack, it's cheaper.

   My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.

   Woman's Logic: Bikini - No problem. Bra and underwear: - OMG DON'T LOOK!!!

   Atleast Kanye let Kris Humphries finish...

   Nobody complements my girlfriend and gets away with it.

   The awesome moment when you're telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins you

   I use to be good at math, until they added the alphabet

   Damn, looks like someone with a small peepee lost his girlfriend to a black dude!

   Pizza Hut is selling a pizza with hotdogs in the crust???... Aren't the type of people who order this,, the same people who aren't able to waddle quick enough to answer the door?