Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You know you're ugly when the plastic surgeon wants to add a tail

   I love Sundays, because my Italian grandmother cooks THE BEST crystal meth.

   You know you're an unwanted ugly child when you have been breast fed by the family dog

   Let's play truth or dare. Or maybe just dare because no one knows how to tell the truth anymore.

   ‎"Give it to me!" she said, "I'm so wet, give it to me right now!" And I replied, “Screw you, it's my umbrella!”

   Sex without love is like ice cream without sprinkles… still pretty awesome.

   You call them enemies, I call them people who wish they were me.

   Dear girls calling themselves Barbie: I hope you realize a barbie is 100% plastic and brainless.

   When I get in an elevator, before I press a button, I turn around look at everyone inside and say: "Okay people, are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?"

   My epileptic wife had a seizure in a bathtub full of water so I threw in some dirty laundry and laundry detergent. WIN !!!

   The worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.

   Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore... a friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband!

   Paddy goes on a 1st aid course, the instructor asks him what would you do if your child swallowed the front door key? Paddy said i'd climb through the window.

   I took the Mrs to the doctor's as she had a golf ball stuck up her arse. He said" f*ck me, that's up a fairway"!

   Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!

   My size 28 girlfriend decided to go to an aerobics class, she bent, twisted, gyrated, and jumped up and down for an hour. But by the time the fat c*nt had got her leotard on, the class had finished!

   My password is ***********.

   Glass blowers always go glass to mouth

   Whenever someone asks, "Can I be perfectly honest with you?" The answer should always be, "No."

   I could be a sports analyst because I'm good at saying "at the end of the day" and "arguably".