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I never said I went to "high school",I said I went to "school high". 
My marriage is very successful because my spouse has not left me yet...
I was talking to this girl at the bar last night and she said, ''If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look civilized and I would talk to you''. And I said, ''If I did all that then I would be talking to your hotter friend”
I put the o in illiterate.
I'm a firm believer in punctuality. So, what's wrong with showing up at the funeral home before my ex is dead?
My marriage is very successful because my spouse is a figment of my imagination.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I'm scared that it's closed.
My boss just gave me an award for Most Productive Employee for last month. I think our company is in BIG trouble.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make! Then they call me ugly and poor.
A wise woman once told me...NOTHING.
Sum girls beg&sum girls borrow sum girls lead & sum girls follow sum bring joy & sum bring sorrow but the best girls just suck & swallow!!
How I think I sound when I sing: ♪┗ (･o･ ) ┓ \( ﾟヮﾟ)/ ♪┏(･o･)┛♪ How I actually sound when I sing: (╬ ಠ益ಠ) щ(ﾟДﾟщ) ヽ(ｏ`皿′ｏ)
Irony = People complaining on Facebook one day about their problems and the next day telling people to mind their own business.
"Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” (Galatians 6:7) So, why have my wild oats become prunes and bran flakes?
They should make vodka lip gloss....
Ok ok ok, I actually searched for "local wheelchair sex" on Yahoo. To be fair though, it did give me an invalid address....
The Mayweather and Cotto fight looks like a promotion for Verizon and T-Mobile.
Microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Sometimes, I feel like my life should be documented for future generations.
"Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” (Galatians 6:7)
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