Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My children have turned me into a Serial Liar...

   According to my shattered iPhone screen, I had a pretty awesome weekend.

   To the woman with 4 screaming kids at Target : if you're wondering how that box of condoms got into your cart... You're welcome.

   What if... birds aren't singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights?

   I just got my pen!s caught in my zipper..................... I knew I shouldn't have bought those zip up shoes.

   According to Facebook, everyone did some really fun things with the kids this weekend and has a dog.

   I'm 87% sure "snooze button" time is sped up and "waiting for the microwave" time is slowed down and this is not okay.

   (づ▶__◢)づ︻┳デ═一 say YOLO one more time.

   I know two wrongs don't make a right. My life has been a never ending quest to determine just how many are required.

   I'm pretty sure Adam and Eve loved being the first people,, cuz they didn't have to worry about ghosts

   I begin all my orders at Arby's by saying,,, "Listen, I've got nothing to prove to you."

   If anyone's interested,, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm on, until I'm removed by security.

   If you own a dog you know... The Look...

   sooo glad tomorrow is Monday!!! (crickets chirping)...what?...

   I could never go to a hip hop concert. I never feel like saying either Hey or Ho when told to.

   My date went pretty well last night. I was really attracted to her and sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex for hours. Kinda makes me wonder why didn't I get a taser sooner.

   Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. For many people today is Toileto de Puko

   I dropped my M&M's down the loo as I flushed. It was like a mini nascar race.

   I just got my pen!s caught in my zipper,,,,,,,,,,, I knew I shouldn't have bought those zip up shoes.

   One day, I'll start messing with your feelings and you'll get mad because I finally learned how to play your game and beat you at it.