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Signing off, my Wife says I need to finish my bath. Peace out Peeps 
BoObs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
you're an overweight female who wears Yoga Pants everyday? Please continue to do so, I love throwing up in my mouth
Like Granny G says, keep it in your pants
Epic failure on my cooking tonight, even the dog took one bite and licked his ass afterwards to get the taste out of his mouth.
I was at the pool earlier and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
Welcome to Facebook, where relationships are perfect, liars believe their own lies & the world shows off they are living a great life.
To those girls on "My Super Sweet 16" that get pissed when daddy buys them the wrong colour Mercedes. SHUT UP! I ride a bike!
How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels?
Honestly,,,,, I love every single some of you.......
I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making a healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
HEY,,,Being a teenager is hard, you guys.... Especially when you're 45..
...I'm begining to think my Amish friend isn't going to text me.
I have a telescope in the peep hole of my door, so I can see who's at my door for 2 miles…..who is it???? Who's it gonna be when you get here….:)
it's very important to exercise as we get older. my uncle started walking 5 miles a day when he was 65. today he's 90 and we haven't a sweet jesus clue where he is.
Dear ugly people: Stop playing hard to get, you're already hard to want
I went to Wal-Mart to buy shampoo. Spent $150 and forgot the shampoo
I ShlT you not, Someone just asked me to be a standup comedian for their kid's graduation party.
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