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DOG DIARY: Today was so much fun! My master and I played fetch! CAT DIARY: Day 972 of captivity. 
What's the most sensitive part of your body while m@sturbating? Your ears because you're listening for footsteps ... in case someone walks in on you.
Why did Facebook go public? Couldn't they figure out the privacy settings either?
note to self.... on the night your wife turns 33... she is not TWICE as flexible as a 16 1/2 year old...
The famous 39lbs cat named Meow has died... When reached for comment Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid said Meow's death is CLEARLY a result of the Republicans WAR on CATS!
The guy that invented caller ID should win a Nobel peace prize. Think about many marriages and jobs that invention has actually saved
You think you can preach??? I just convinced a Pentecostal woman to put on pants.
Wow, there you are all hot and everything; then you post a pic of you with your kids...1 and 3 years old. Negate!
It's tough to control a fear of abandonment issue when your therapist doesn't show up for your appointment.
If I had a time machine I'd stop OJ from killing those ppl & then nobody would ever know what a Kardashian is.
If these walls could talk, I'd probably stop hanging things with nails.
The Men's Warehouse guy is going to die of lung cancer. I guarantee it.
I'm already sick of writing this book I'm thinking of writing.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
Word of the day: Exhaustipated. Just too tired to give a sh!!t.
The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more.
Powered off the smart phone felt like I was having a heart attack...
Like if you ever had High School friends hook you up that worked at fast food places.
My grandma fell on the floor, And it ended up being longer than 5 seconds,,, so we're gonna have to let her go.
:Men, we all know the real reason there's always one missing sock. Shame. That's why.
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