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My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume 
Mall cop wasn't going to let me park in the handicapped space. Then I showed him pictures of me dancing.
So facebook is down for a few hours. I bet this will be the most productive business day in years.
Manscaping now fully complete!! Waiting on the itching to commence!!
My Cunning plan: 1. Go to the elephant house in the zoo... 2. Shout IS NOBODY GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?.. 3. Elephant high-five
I like a girl that isn't afraid to jump in front of me during a robbery & say “babe, please. I got this one, you bought dinner.”
I can smell Plutonium a mile away....Pu.
The difference between a crooked lawyer and an intrepid chicken is, the chicken clucks defiant.
Anyone care to discuss Noblium....No??
Or we could talk about Sodium.......Na.
I hear people talking about their lactose intolerance all the time. I guess I could live with that but if I ever developed tequila intolerance life would no longer be worth living.
...but where I come from, rain is a good thing.
Let's talk about Potassium.........K?
Sorry to disturb ya'll, but does anybody know where I can apply for a strip club franchise? (asking for a friend).
dont try to hold a fart coz it will travel up your spine, to your brain and thats where sh!++y ideas come from
A homeless man is just a hardcore camper.
Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge… how the Hell did that get there?
We had a family tree but someone chopped it down and built a bar with it.
Some of you are so antiquated in your thinking...that whenever I click on your timeline, I find myself in 2012. BC
I like my ribs like I like my women. Hot, saucy, and on the bone. 