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Just to set the record straight! My Dad can beat up all your Dad's!!! 
Guess I better get some sleep. I have to get up in 10 minutes.
I want to be famous and make a cure that saves tens of people!
Happy Baby Daddy Day to all the guys that forgot to wear a condom.
*Moments Before Ending A Phone Call: "All right, cool, yeah, ok, haha yeah, I know right!, tomorrow, yep. later man. all right..bye" (click)
i hope to one day be important enough to have my own Wikipedia page...
For Fathers Day I made breakfast in bed for my dad. It's extremely hard to cook food while in bed, and now his bed sheets are ruined.
If anyone is having a bad day, remember that yesterday in 1976 Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800. Now it's worth $58,065,210,000
What makes women think a rapist is gonna wait around to be misted by tobassco spray you got in your purse, hell you guys cant even find your phone in there, and its ringing and vibrating...
The celebration of single moms on "Fathers Day" kills me! Single moms do some amazing things but keeping a man apparently isn't one of them.
when I'm feeling athletic, I go to a sports bar
If there's one thing Ripley taught me it was never trust a Droid - Team Apple
lesson to kids, dont play hide and seek at the bottom of the pool..
Pepper spray comes in different strenths, for women who are only semi serious about getting raped.
My girlfriend is pregnant but I have never slept with her. When I asked her how come, she told me some lame story about Joseph & Mary.
Hello 1% battery, we meet again for the 5th time today.
Today my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she said I was the other guy.
"Can we all get along? Can we get along?" ...... Rodney King who were you talking to at the bottom of that pool.....or were you just doing a Bath Salt Day....
I don't mind when people make kitchen jokes about women, but when they make jokes about women driving... Well that's when I run you over.
A friend told me he's jokes come from a dark place. So I locked him in my basement for a week. It was mostly crying, no jokes. He lied.
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